Our calendars recently marked the ten year anniversary of one of the most abominable and despicable incidents in recent US history.

Here is everything you ever wanted to know about the 9/11 conspiracy theory in under five minutes.

On the morning of September 11, 2001, 19 men armed with carpet-cutters directed by a man on dialysis in a cave fortress halfway around the world, using a satellite phone and a laptop, directed the most sophisticated penetration of the most heavily-defended airspace in the world. They overpowered the passengers and the military combat trained pilots on four commercial aircrafts before flying those planes wildly off course for over an hour, without being molested by a single fighter interceptor. These 19 hijackers, devout religious fundamentalists who liked to drink alcohol, snort cocaine, and live with pink-haired strippers, managed to knock down three buildings with two planes in New York. Meanwhile in Washington, a pilot who could not handle a single engine Cessna, was able to fly a 757 airplane, make a 270 degree corkscrew turn, and descend 8,000 feet to come exactly level with the ground. The pilot then hit the budget analysis office of the Pentagon, where Department of Defense staffers were working on the mystery of the 2.3 trillion dollars that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld had announced “missing” from the Pentagon’s coffers in a press conference the day before – September 10, 2001. Luckily, the news anchors knew who did it within minutes (Osama), the pundits knew within hours (Osama), the Administration knew within the day (Osama), and the evidence literally fell into the Federal Bureau of Investigation’s (FBI) lap – the passport of one of the hijackers was found blocks from the World Trade Center crash site. For some reason though, a bunch of crazy conspiracy theorists demanded an investigation into the greatest attack on American soil in history. The investigation was delayed, underfunded, set up to fail, a conflict of interest, and a cover up from start to finish. It was based on testimony extracted through torture, and the records were later destroyed. It failed to mention the existence of WTC2, Able Danger, Ptech, Sibel Edmonds, and the OBI; not to mention the drills of the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA), which simulated hijacked aircrafts being flown into buildings at the precise time that these events were actually happening. The investigation was lied to by the Pentagon, the CIA, and the Bush Administration. And as for Bush and Cheney themselves … well, no one knows what they said because they testified in secret, off the record, not under oath, and behind closed doors. They did not bother to look at who funded the attacks because that question was of “little practical significance“. Still, the 9/11 Commission did brilliantly, answering all of the questions the public had (except most of the questions from the victims’ families) and pinned blame on all the people responsible (although no one so much as lost their job). They determined the attacks were “a failure of imagination” because “I don’t think anyone could envision flying airplanes into buildings” said Mr. Bush. However, the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA), the North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD), and the National Reconnaissance Office (NRO) were all aware of this potential threat.

The Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA) destroyed 2.5 TB of data on Able Danger, but that is okay because it probably wasn’t important.

The Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) destroyed their records on the investigation into the insider trading before the attacks, but that is okay because destroying the records of the largest investigation in SEC history is just part of routine record keeping.

National Institute of Standards and Technology has classified the data that they used for their model of WTC2’s collapse, but that is okay because knowing how they made their model of that collapse would jeopardize public safety”.
The FBI has argued that all material related to their investigation of 9/11 should be kept secret from the public, but that’s fine because the FBI probably has nothing to hide.

Osama Bin Laden lived in a cave fortress in the hills of Afghanistan, but somehow got away. Then he was hiding out in Tora Bora, but somehow got away. Then he lived in Abottabad for years, taunting the most comprehensive intelligence dragnet, which employed the most sophisticated technology in the history of the world for 10 years. Furthermore, he released video after video with complete impunity (becoming younger and younger in the footage as he did so), until finally he was found in a daring SEAL team raid, which was not recorded on video.

During the raid, he did not resist or use his wife as a human shield. These crack special forces operatives panicked and killed this unarmed man, supposedly the best source of intelligence about those dastardly terrorists on the planet. Then they dumped his body in the ocean before telling anyone about it. Then a couple dozen of that team’s members died in a helicopter crash in Afghanistan.

This is the story of 9/11 brought to you by the media, which told you the hard truths about JFK, mobile production facilities, incubator babies, and the rescue of Jessica Lynch.

If you have any questions about this story, you are a bat shit, paranoid, tinfoil, dog-abusing baby-hater, and will be reviled by everyone. If you love your country and/or freedom, happiness, rainbows, rock and roll, puppy dogs, apple pie, and your grandma … then you will never, ever express doubts about any part of this story to anyone. Ever.
This has been a public service announcement by: the Friends of the FBI, CIA, National Security Agency, DIA, SEC, Mainstream Media (MSM), the White House, NIST, and the 9/11 Commission.

Because Ignorance is Strength.

1 Comment

  • Reply November 26, 2011


    Well done.

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